The 4-Way: Let The Door Hit Him In the Ass

Hang on or move on?

Dear 4-Way,

I just met a man I feel like I’ve re­al­ly con­nect­ed with, and got the sense that he has re­al­ly con­nect­ed with me as well: phys­i­cal­ly, emo­tio­n­al­ly, and in­tel­lec­tu­al­ly. How­ev­er, af­ter our fourth date (in the course of three weeks) he told me that he re­con­nect­ed with an old re­la­tion­ship and, as a re­sult, has cooled off to­ward me. The thing is, even though we haven’t had sex, he tells me he re­al­ly en­joys the close­ness we’ve shared and wants to cont­in­ue see­ing me. The wo­m­an in ques­tion lives in Eu­rope and it would mean a long dis­tance re­la­tion­ship. I, how­ev­er, live in the same town, and can ac­tu­al­ly par­ti­ci­pate in a non-vir­tu­al re­la­tion­ship. I’m torn be­cause I like him, but need to pull back emo­tio­n­al­ly be­cause I don’t want to get hurt. I ad­mit that I’m al­so hope­ful that he’ll re­al­ize a long-dis­tance re­la­tion­ship is­n’t go­ing to be prac­ti­cal and he’ll rekin­dle what got start­ed when we first met. He’s be­ing very hon­est with me—which I ap­pre­ci­ate—and we’re both around for­ty, so there is a cer­tain lev­el of ma­tu­ri­ty here. I think I need to move on, but I’d al­so like to hold out to see if he’ll be avai­l­able. Thoughts?–JG

The gay wo­m­an’s per­spec­tive: Jody Fisch­er

Ku­dos to him for be­ing up front with you about what’s go­ing on. Now don’t let the door hit him too hard as you ush­er him out.

You are falling in­to the “Po­ten­tial Zone”:

If on­ly he would re­al­ize that long dis­tance nev­er works.

If on­ly he would see that I am right here for him.

If on­ly…….

You have to look at what is, not what may be. And what is, is a man who does­n’t want to be lone­ly while his love is far away. Val­ue your­self enough to know that you de­serve some­one who is not strad­dling two conti­nents.

If you want to in­vest in po­ten­tial, pick out a good mu­tu­al fund.



The straight wo­m­an’s per­spec­tive: Re­bec­ca Brown

This is a per­so­n­al hot top­ic for me and you are about to be on the re­ceiv­ing end of some RB tough love. The hot top­ic as I see it is why men cont­in­ue to reach out to a wo­m­an WHEN THEY AL­READY HAVE A WO­M­AN (that’s me yelling in frus­tra­tion). It is­n’t that I don’t think that men can have fe­male friend­ships while they’re in a re­la­tion­ship, they ab­so­lute­ly can and should.



But it is hard­er to make that tran­si­tion to “just friend­s” when you’ve al­ready “con­nect­ed phys­i­cal­ly.” It al­so begs the ques­tion, is he not gett­ing the kind of close­ness he needs from this other wo­m­an? (Prob­a­b­ly not since she’s in the EU.) Is he keep­ing you on the back burn­er in case things don’t work out? You don’t want to be Back-Burn­er-on-a-Low-Sim­mer-Girl, do you? I’m guess­ing you want to be Full-Boil-on-the-Front-Burn­er-Wo­m­an, at what­ev­er lev­el the two of you take this re­la­tion­ship to—friend­ship or other­wise—be­cause some­times “be­ing friend­s” in this si­t­u­a­tion ends up be­ing a few stiff­ly-writ­ten emails with no plans for gett­ing to­gether. And that’s not re­al­ly what friends do.

He gets points for be­ing hon­est with you since he may not re­al­ize that you feel as strong­ly as you do. If by say­ing that “you like him” you mean that you want to be friends with him, I say cau­tious­ly go for it…but on­ly if you think you can han­dle it. You nev­er know where (or to whom) he might lead you. But be care­ful: it sounds like you’re still hold­ing out hope that a ro­man­tic re­la­tion­ship could hap­pen. You can on­ly go on the in­for­ma­tion he’s giv­en you, and right now what you’re work­ing with is this: there’s another wo­m­an he’s in­ter­est­ed in more than you. (I’m sor­ry.) If it stung a lit­tle when you read that, I suggest you let him do the heavy lift­ing on gett­ing this friend­ship off the ground and get your hot ass back in cir­cu­la­tion to meet some­one else.



The gay man’s per­spec­tive: Dar­ren Mad­dox

Around the corn­er or around the globe, I hate to break it to you, sun­shine, but he’s in­to some­one else! What guy is go­ing to free­ly tell you this af­ter on­ly a few weeks of know­ing him if he wants to build some­thing with you? Maybe she was there all along. I say step back and see if he fol­lows. Bet­ter to do it now than de­lay.



The straight man’s per­spec­tive: Chris Kennedy

Oh man, I love the con­tra­dic­tions. He says he’s cooled to­wards you, but wants to keep see­ing you. He val­ues your close­ness, a trait he’s show­ing means a lot to him con­sid­er­ing he’s fall­en for a wo­m­an…in Eu­rope!


His ex­pla­na­tions are about as clear as the Lon­don fog—as mean­der­ing as the Venice ca­nals. They hold as much wa­ter as the Moroc­can desert.

Nonethe­less, it’s ap­par­ent there’s some­thing he’s not gett­ing from you. In plain En­glish, ask him what that is. If you can give it to him, do. If not, don’t. But I’m as­sum­ing it won’t mat­ter.

You’re right about your in­st­inct, you do need to pull back emo­tio­n­al­ly—way back—maybe as far as Eu­rope. He’ll prob­a­b­ly want to rekin­dle with you then.

I give him cred­it for be­ing hon­est with you. He could be see­ing and email­ing this wo­m­an in Eu­rope with­out telling you—which tells me he wants you to back off. So do that.

He’s around for­ty, so I’m as­sum­ing he’s fa­miliar with the idea that long-dis­tance re­la­tion­ships are a chal­lenge. You don’t need to hope he’ll re­al­ize this. He does.

Even­tu­al­ly, he or the Eu­ro­pean wo­m­an will have to hop across the pond to take it to another lev­el. Ei­ther way, that time­line is not for you to set.

In the mean­time, put your­self back out there. I’m con­fi­dent you’ll find some­one who wants their mate to ac­tu­al­ly live in the same coun­try as they do. Prob­a­b­ly even the same town. You’ll find it easi­er to feel close to them.

This is Amer­i­ca, af­ter all. Re­mem­ber, Un­cle Sam wants you!